Why do we grieve the loss of some more than others? Why do we cry more for the death of a cat than a cousin?

We should not feel shame when our level of grief does not conform to what seems logical.  Grief is an emotion that needs expression and release, not introspection.  Just as our bodies ask us to relieve the pressure on our bladders when needed; so too do our bodies ask us to unleash the grief when the balloons of emotion are ready to burst.  Once the first waves of grief have passed, your mind will be less imbalanced by the grief, and better able to ponder the depths of your emotions.

Like our bodies, our minds are not as adept at doing something new when we first experience it.  We do not automatically know how to ride a bike, or catch a ball; but the more we do these activities the better we can manage them.  The same is true with emotions such as love and grief.  For many love is not experienced until our teenage years or decades later.  Likewise, for some, grief may not be experienced for decades into adulthood.  But for most, a time, a first time, will come to experience grief; and the first time experiencing grief may weigh more heavily upon us because the emotions are new to us.  We are not used to the feelings and the physical affects upon our bodies, of the grief; and this inexperience may exacerbate the feelings of grief and confusion.  As we experience grief more frequently we may become more hardened to it; and we may subconsciously control and reduce the impact of the grief upon ourselves.

The list of things that affect the level of grief you feel at the loss of a family member, friend, pet, or stranger include:

• Your personal experience and history with grief.
• The age at which you first experienced grief.
• Your proximity to the deceased and your role in their death.  If you were the one that had to decide to order the euthanasia, grief may be more intense.
• Your relationship to the deceased and your sense of closure.  If you failed to share meaningful feelings with the deceased, or if your last words to the other had been spoken in anger. 
• The manner of their death.  If they met a violent or unexpected end, your level of grief for them may be affected.
• The amount of time you spent with the deceased, whether human or not.  The loss of the cat that is part of your everyday life may evoke more grief than the loss of the uncle you saw just once a year.  This is normal.
• The presence of others that share your grief.  Grieving alone may feel different than grieving with others.
• The physical state of your mind and body.  The amount of alcohol or drugs recently consumed and your general mood prior to the loss such as already feeling depressed or euphoric.  Depression and drugs often make feelings of grief more intense.
• Your sense of control over your life and belief in karma.  For some, grief is humiliating and they twist the emotion into anger, often blaming fate or others for causing the death.  Turning grief into anger is never beneficial in a peaceful society; but it may be useful in a society at war.

Don't question your grief, just let it flow.  Don't let it turn to anger.  Don't take hasty action during the initial moments of grief.  We make better decisions:

• once we have expressed our griefs,
• after we have performed physical exercise,
• after we have spent time in silence outdoors,
• and while the sun is shining.